Our Angel Baby

Hey Loves 

My mind is continually blown by the encouragement and support on the blogs, the comments and messages I receive truly give me the reassurance that God is using me in a way I do not fully understand but I am simply grateful to be used in any way he sees fit, I will forever avail myself to him to draw his people in to a deeper and closer relationship with him. This blog today is written behind a heart that his heavy and filled with grief and hope all at the same time, a mind that is sold out for Christ but filled with a thousand why’s? with my eyes that are overflowing with tears of sadness, yet a spirit that is willing and fully persuaded to endure all that God has called me to.

As I was in the process of writing the blog ‘Love after loss’ thinking in my mind it was to help everyone else, I did not know it would too be relevant to me once again, funny enough I read the blog to myself about Three times since publishing it which was rare for me. As I wrote and published the blog, I was experiencing a loss that I was completely unaware of until just over a week later. On the 31st of August I found out that I was in the beginning process of a miscarriage. What should have been my 12-week scan for our expected baby that we were so overjoyed about, quickly turns into the worst day of my life. I had lost my baby, and I did not know, my 12-week scan confirmed that our baby had passed away 5 weeks before that day. As I write this blog, I am still unfortunately dealing with the effect of a miscarriage, my body is still doing what it needs to do to erase any evidence of our baby.

To say I’m in pain is an understatement, I’m hurting in every way possible, my body is in pain, my heart is hurting, spiritually I’m grieved and emotionally I’m lost. Yet I get moments out of know where the holy spirit, gives me a peace beyond understanding, and speaks revelation to me, I get words that soothe my weary soul and brings me to a place where I am encouraged, so whilst I have the ability to do so in this moment, I want to encourage you. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Many people think I can encourage and be as positive as I am because life is good for me right now, but that’s far from the truth and this moment is proof of that. I’m totally sold out for Christ that even in the middle of a miscarriage, I will still do his work, I will still obey his commands, I will still answer his call, I will still align myself with his will (whether I like it or not), I am his.

(Jeremiah 29:11) For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I have to trust his plan even when I do not know what’s going on. (Hebrews 11:1) Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I have to have faith even when it makes no sense to me. He is God, and God alone.

Donnie McClurkin song I will trust you, repeats in my mind, it expresses the words that I struggle to express, it forces me to consider things and ask myself questions I probably did not have the guts to answer before. Being sold out for God, is beyond obeying him and loving on him in the good times when everything is going well and feels good, its beyond doing his will and work when it feels nice because everything is going right, its beyond worshiping and praising, reading your word, praying and talking to him, still acknowledging him as majesty when he does what you want him to do. It choosing to do all the above even when it feels like your world is falling apart. God never promised us a life without troubles in fact he say’s to rejoice in our test and trails because it’s an opportunity to be strengthened (1 peter 1:7-9) 7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, 8 whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.

My hope is in the eternal, I’m reminded that everything on the face of this earth including me and my loved ones are perishable, that nothing is forever expect our spirits, so I try to stay focused on spiritual things, I realised I was so invested in earthy things, things that I could not take with me beyond the grave. It not to say they should not be acknowledged but they are not everything, not the be all and end all, they are not everlasting, however there are things that are linked to the spiritual that merely require prayer and sometimes prayer alongside fasting (Matthew 17:21) 21 However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.” it’s about identifying what?

Another revelation received in conversations with my family is that no matter what I do, I do not have control over life and death, God does. I say this because this pregnancy was different for me, I was the healthiest I had been in years, I was regularly taking my pre-natal vitamins, I was trying my hardest to stay stress free, and getting plenty of rest, compared to all my other pregnancies where I was totally oblivious to the health of my body, mind and emotions, yet this is the only pregnancy that I had that was not successful. Gods will be Gods will, I may not understand in this moment as to why this had to be, but one thing I do know is that God holds the power over life and death, he knows why, and he is good at all times. I have hope that one day I will know why. Until then I have no choice but to trust in God’s love for me.

Life is fragile, in so many different ways.

Honestly experiencing this loss has changed me for a lifetime not for the worse but for the greater, I’ve learnt not to take life for granted, I look at my family and even myself and it’s in moments such as this I realise just how fragile life really is.

I hug my children just that little bit tighter, I say I love you just that little bit more, I laugh with my family just a little bit extra. I am learning to live confidently not because of anything I’ve done but simply because of my confidence in the one who has my life in the palm of his hand, in him I have nothing to fear.

So far, I’ve been through the worst of my story, I don’t know what more is to come but what I do know is I’ve already overcame.

I choose to live boldly. The loss of our baby will never be in vain; I may not know why, one day God may see me fit and ready for him to reveal it, even if he chooses not too, I am assured that he knows best. I look at my family, all of my children, my husband and I’ve seen truly how rich I am.

I’m also comforted in knowing I have an angel baby sitting with the Lord, who I will try my best to live a life worthy to meet them one day, so I can meet the one who gave me the worst morning sickness ever lol. But also made me the strongest I’ve ever been.

I love you my darling whose face I did not get to see, whose skin I did not get to smell, whose hands I did not get hold, whose lips I did not get to kiss; we may never have met face to face but we had a deeper connection than that, you heard my heartbeat and in me yours began and ended, though I could not hold you, you are someone I will never forget, not a day has and will go by that I do not think of you, you was loved the moment we knew you was there.

We love you our angel baby.

Lord, I thank you for your grace and mercies over our lives, we are so undeserving, but you see the best of us at all times. Father many of us walk silently in pain but you see it all. Many of us have carried a child in whom we could not meet. It’s a pain that is indescribable, many walk around lost and confused as to why it had to be this way, but father I pray you calm our weary hearts and still the chaos in our minds. Bring a peace beyond all understanding that you are in full control. That you hold the power to life and death. Everything you do has a purpose bigger than us. We often say we give ourselves to you entirely, in hopes only for the best, praying away the hardships. Yet we are called to live like Jesus Christ who faced more than we could possibly imagine.

Strengthen everyone Lord who cries in private, who suffers in silence, reassure every broken heart that we face the fire of life’s circumstances to be refined but we will never be burnt; Because you are with us, not even the smell of smoke shall encompass our beings. Thank you, Lord, for it all, thank you that we have one more angel looking down upon us from beside your right hand. What a blessing to not only be favoured with our children on earth but we are doubly blessed to have our baby in heaven with you to live an eternal life cheering us on. Thank you, Lord.

Help all the mothers to find joy, the fathers too, the brother, sister, and grandparents to see your perspective regarding their angel babies.

Thank you, Daddy, Amen X.

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 A time to be born,

And a time to die;

A time to plant,

And a time to pluck what is planted;

3 A time to kill,

And a time to heal;

A time to break down,

And a time to build up;

4 A time to weep,

And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

And a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones,

And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace,

And a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to gain,

And a time to lose;

A time to keep,

And a time to throw away;

7 A time to tear,

And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence,

And a time to speak;

8 A time to love,

And a time to hate;

A time of war,

And a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8