Love after Loss

Hey Loves,

I hope this blog finds you well and that you are enjoying the summer break in any way you can. If you are in the UK, then like me, you are hanging on tight to some hope that the sun will make it out before the kiddies return to school. As always to my consistent readers, thank you for all the support, love, and encouragement on the blogs.

Early this month 3rd of August, my husband and I celebrated four years of marriage. Time waits for no man, but to be fair; our four years together have been jammed and packed with activity, from work to business and raising an army.

Often, I like to reflect on where I have come from mostly because I look back to see if there is any progress in my process. I believe God also gives me flashbacks so I can begin to see where he has brought me from and where he is taking me. There have been numerous moments in my life where I lose sight of everything and nothing makes sense. I have moments where I cannot help but think, what was the point? what is the point? Then I’m gently reminded as he rolls back the curtain of memory now and then; before I know it, I have my “Ah ha” moment. I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude, overwhelmed by the idea of how much God loves me. He loves me more than I even love myself, imagine! I know he loves me more than I love me, for more reasons than one.

One reason stood out to me in this season of celebrating my anniversary. It was simply a revelation that there was a time in life when I never thought I would celebrate another wedding anniversary for myself. After losing my first husband, my mind was made-up that I would never put myself in a position to love again, with a fear of losing another man. Funny before Jide (my first husband) got sick, I would always say, “Should anything happen to us (God forbid), I would never, I mean never get into another relationship”. At that time my main reason for this conviction was down to the fact the marriage was just too difficult, as every marriage can be (Marriage takes serious work), getting as far into marriage as we did, almost 16 years together, 6 of those years married, took so much work and effort that I didn’t think I’d ever have it in me to do it all again. With this in mind the statement “Man makes plans and God laughs” comes back to me.

Now this whole time, I’m telling God, my mind and making it known to him that these are my convictions, and they are solid. I can imagine God looking at me with the biggest grin, simply thinking, “OK Jen, we will see, if only you knew what I have in store for you". Not long after being made a widow, I was given a word through pastors, ministers, and family regarding God's plan for me, it was to REMARRY, and this was only a few months into losing Jide, Guys the rage and anger that riddled my body was unreal, I have never sat in church and felt so much anger before; I was enraged with God. Firstly, did I not make it clear? I did not want to do this again, secondly, how could anyone, especially God, think it is acceptable to speak to me so soon after losing him? or the idea of ever moving on, and thirdly, Just “No” I was far from open about the idea of remarrying; I was more than content and comfortable with the notion that for the rest of my life, it would be me, God and my four children and when my children all marry and leave home, God and I will be just fine, a matter of fact that seemed like bliss to me after all I had been through.

I never considered what I would do should I ever feel lonely or desire the affection of a man, at this point it did not matter, I did not care, and it was just not important. My focus now was on helping my children to make it through their next seasons. So much was happening for them during this time, the twins were days away from sitting their SATs and preparing for secondary school and we were only a few months into moving into our new home. So, we had a lot of decorating and settling in to do, I decided to go back to work, as I am now the sole provider for the family, as well as supporting them through the process of grief.

When I heard of this plan, I smiled, mumbled an amen and kept it pressing. After service, I would seek to put the prophecy away in the deepest part of my mind and focus on what I had planned next for me and the kids that day because at this point, it stopped being “one day at a time” to “one hour at a time” this is all I could handle and this is my stance and motto to this very day. A lesson learnt and something I hope to be able to share and help you with is the power behind the word Amen.

To all who don’t know, the word Amen means ‘so be it’ and ‘Let it be so’, and It is true, it is an agreement, a response to the divine order and will of God. In my feelings, I mumbled “Amen” without realising I came into agreement with this prophecy. Though my flesh rose up, my spirit was in total submission to God's will, as deep down, I would never want to willingly reject God's plan for me, as I know he knows what’s best for me, he knows what, when, why, how and who, and he knew all of this before I was even a thought in my mother’s mind. Sometimes when we are hurting, we can reject what was made to heal us. The lack of understanding of our season and what is expected and required of us could cause us to delay our process, abort our purpose and fall completely out of alignment with God's will for us.

It’s important to remember that the word says's “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways” says the Lord (Isaiah 55:8), I encourage you to read on throughout the rest of the chapter; when he calls us to something we need to be open-minded, flexible, adaptable, and mouldable. We are also reminded in the word that we should; not lean on our own understanding, in all our ways acknowledge him and he will direct our paths, do not be wise in our own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh and strength to your bones. (Proverbs 3:5-8) We may think we know what’s good for us, but we do not know our tomorrow. May I also add that no one else around you, unless it is revealed to them by God, knows your tomorrow? People will not always understand your process or even your purpose and the choices you make will cause people to become uncomfortable because they do not understand your why? However, you should not be put off by unapologetically doing what works for you and yours and most importantly God.

Our loved ones can love us right out of our blessings whilst living their best lives without a care in the world for your opinion. What I mean by this is that many people have an understanding of love towards you that may seem right but in the end, it is not God's love towards you (Proverbs 14:12) There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death. Some may even see the bigger picture but like crabs in a bucket keep you right where you are because it makes them feel better about themselves or simply makes them feel comfortable. When God presented Dominic to me, many people did not like the fact that I was moving forward; Many believed it was too soon, they believed I was making a mistake, and some even felt I was selfish and probably had many more thoughts and opinions on my life, but that had to be the stance I took, it was MY LIFE, the only people I had to consider overall was my children as it was only I and them that had to live this life. Taking the lunge to trust God and trust that he would not allow me to face the same fate again and that this life with Dominic would be different, was not taken lightly; I still had a beautiful relationship with my mother-in-love and my sisters inherited from my marriage with Jide, truly their blessing to move on was one of the most desired and one of the most important blessings I needed. I spent many a day in prayer, fasting and fellowship seeking confirmation and peace that this was indeed God, aside from this, the blessing of my family in love was the seal of approval that made this journey not just easier but beautiful. To see our families continue to grow and how much they love Dominic is a reflection of their love for me and the children but most importantly their love for God and his greater plan for us all.

Love did not come easy after losing Jide, it has been a battle, we faced many adversities as well as having to come together as a blended family as Dominic came with two children, Whom I love and adore, and he also adopted my four children without question all of this did not come without its challenges as well as our family continually expanding with our little blessings who are regular reminders of how pleased God is with our union. We had to find ourselves amongst the noise, but I can say God knows best; I could not imagine a day without Dominic or our children, and I wouldn’t want to. I have truly learnt a new form of love, I have a different understanding and perspective of love, not any kind of love, not the conditional type, but the bibles only definition of love, agape love, the one that loves without fault, loves beyond offences, the type that forgives without apology, the type that heals all forms of pain, the type that empowers, restores, encourages, nurtures the best in you over self, the type that sees beyond your physical but ministers to your spiritual, the kind of love that knows no bounds. Iv begged God for years and years to help me to understand how much he loves me; like many, I have suffered more hurt and pain than I care to remember, and it has only ever been the idea of God’s love for me that kept me. When he prophesied my remarriage, He described the man that was coming as his best and he described him in a way that when he came, I would know it was him.

God knew he had to do that for me because truthfully when I and my husband started in courtship and marriage; I struggled to see the best in him lol. I had to ask my lord many times if he was sure, did we make a mistake here lol. It was then that I was reminded of the word. He gave me a man I needed, not necessarily a man I wanted; the wanted element comes later when we begin to identify the true purpose of our union and we began to develop each other in Christ, it is then and only then that you begin to see the desires of your heart manifest before your eyes, sometimes we get it the wrong way round and only focus on what we want, not knowing that what you want is indeed found in your obedience in doing and accepting what is needed. Example: We can all agree to wanting a spouse who is romantic, affectionate, and kind are some of the traits we want, but your spouse needs a level of respect that can yield a great harvest.

When he receives respect, it brings out the best parts of him, he feels loved and empowered. Knowing his love language builds trust, and meeting that need fills his love tank to the full, which then creates room for love to grow and causes it to overflow into a desire for him towards you that demonstrate gestures of love and affection, romance, and appreciation. The Bible tells us that Gods plans are not our plans, for he gave me a husband that has far exceeded my expectations however this came when I saw God's love flow through him, choosing to honour and respect him, which is a need, allows him to treat me with my want of demonstrated romance, It is simply choosing to see the best in my husband (but not always easy lol).

It took a lot of unlearning and learning, separation from people and noise and leaning into each other and God before either one of us could see the best in each other but it was well worth it all; as day by day, I see what God meant, what he has done, and what he is about to do.

I’ve been asked the question how did I know I was ready to move forward after losing Jide? I hope this blog helps a little.

In conclusion, I did not know, I truthfully rejected the idea but my spiritual intimacy with God gave me the boldness and courage to trust God. I mean I trusted him thus far, I trusted and surrendered everything to him when I lost my home, my car and my husband, and had to write a dissertation in the process of it all, raise four children and much more, so why stop now?

I gave God all of me and declared my life to not be my own. I am his vessel, in all and anything; with no limitations, inclusive of these blogs hence their transparency (not my choice trusts me, I’m generally a private person believe it or not) but speaking my truth, sharing my story and telling my testimony, I believe is a small part of Gods grander plan to bring practical and biblical truth, revelations, understanding, wisdom and freedom to many silently struggling through the issues of life.

Too often many of us burden ourselves with making judgements and having opinions on things we do not understand, this is easily done. We make what other people choose to say or do with their lives our issues and concerns when we do not know the entirety of their journey, and worst of all it does not affect us in any way. It is time that we spend less time looking in from the outside seeking the worst and spend more time having compassion, seeking understanding, encouraging, and praying for each other.

If you have lost a loved one, not just a spouse but anyone who truly had an impact on your life, it can make moving forward in any way; a paralysing experience, the many thoughts that riddle your mind are unimaginable, but the enemy would love to keep you in a place of stagnancy, a place where you are lonely and isolated, unapproachable and hard due to the walls built up.

Let me encourage you, this is not God's plan for you, his plan is according to (Jeremiah 29:11) For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, say the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope. He wants to give you his best regardless of what it looks like, it may not be a man, it could be a friend or a mentor or a mother figure or father figure.

If you are here today, then you have already faced the worst of it so far, and you overcame it. What do you have to lose except God’s best for you? I hope you are encouraged by this blog; please share it with anyone you feel could benefit from it.

Thank you again for all your love and support. Thank you to those who supported me and my family through this process and loved us regardless of what it looked like, encouraged us through the judgement and prayed for us up through the storm.

Also thank you to my restoration gift, my husband Dominic for saying Yes and Amen. 

Love to all X

The Lord watches over the strangers; He relieves the fatherless and widows; But the way of the wicked he turns upside down.

Psalm 146:9