Hi My Loves
Here with another one for the 'Goodness grieve series' guess we can call this part 3.
This really wasn't my intention when I initially wrote the first Goodness grieve, however the Lord seems to be taking this somewhere and clearly has a new vision / plan and layout for this BlogSpot.
I'm really excited in regards to what God is doing in my life and the people that he is connecting me with. He has truly given me so much vision and insight into what's to come in terms of projects and some really great opportunities which I hope to share with you all very soon.
As usual I cannot start my blogs without saying a huge thank you to my supporters and readers. Those whom I’ve had the privilege of speaking to have really encouraged me and blessed me with your kind words, love, support and compassion, thank you all so much. And I have to truly big up God for allowing me the grace to be used by him to impact and touch lives through telling my truth, its only by his grace, I honestly take no credit for anything that is happening in my life, it’s all to his glory.
The title may seems a bit dramatic or a bit much, but its the best and most simple way to address the concept of this blog in short terms.
So far as I’ve been sharing my journey and revelations with you, I rarely mention the children, unless I’ve spoken to you in person.
My babies are not hidden from social media and King and I pretty much had them out there with us, especially on The Tona diaries.
So I thought it only fair that I give you all an insight on how my babies are coping.
Disclaimer- this blog is a little long but worth it.
Without being biased, my kids are awesome, simple as that, in every way shape and form.
They keep me going, at their tender ages their faith is so strong and that is something me and King made sure we did not compromise on in regards to our kids, they were and are brought up in the faith and we made and continue to make sure that they truly understand the importance of having an intimate relationship with God, having faith and trusting God in and for all things.
In everything we are careful to incorporate God and give them a deep understanding of how present he is in every aspect of their lives. I'm proud to say that they read the word and dissects and extract meaning and understanding and gain their own revelations and understanding, and also how that word is relevant and can be incorporated into their lives and daily activity.
I generally believe this is what helped and is helping my kids cope with the passing of their daddy. Many know through social media and life in general how close the kids were with their dad, not just because King was their dad but because he made sure to have a special relationship and connection with them individually, if I'm honest sometimes I was a bit envious and at the same time proud and humbled to see such a beautiful sight, I personally think its such a wonderful sight to see a father interacting with his children. Even till this day the girls still bicker about who's daddies girl... little do they know it was me lol.
But seriously they bicker because he made sure that they both felt like daddies special girl, that you really couldn't say or tell if he had a favourite.
When King was first diagnosed we didn't tell the children. They knew daddy was in hospital for a week because the lumps on his neck was making him unwell and he was having medicine, but th time to tell them the truth was forced on us when Kings diagnoses was worse than we thought and we we’re told he’d have to stay in hospital for 6 weeks, it was scary to tell them because unfortunately, everyone who my children knew to have had been diagnosed with cancer had passed away, so they understandably associate cancer with death.
King and I, have always been very open and honest with our children, we never lied to them EVER, and we tried very hard to keep them in the loop about things that would effect or concern them.
We did this so that our children would feel free to share and be as open and honest with us, we developed a trust and bond and my children know that in the Awotona circle we keep no secrets from each other but we could keep thing from the world outside of us. our children can be as honest and open as they need to be when we had regular family time specifically for sharing our thought and feeling and discussing various topics and answering the questions that there not so sheltered or naive mind had.
We would rather be honest with our kids and discuss the deal and the consequences and what we as parents expect of them than to shut them down and tell them " Children should be seen and not heard".
For example we discussed how babies are made and where they come from at an early age because they brought the question to us, id rather be the one to tell my kids in manner that I can control and is appropriate for their age, than to shut them down and say your to young to know and they go and seek the answer else where from God knows who, with only God knows what consequences.
I and hubby strongly believed in being honest and appropriately open with our children. you have to use wisdom of course and know how much to share and what can be left out for another time but never to dismiss them. We wanted to be parents that could have respect and trust level with our kids that when they do get older and go through things they feel no fear or shame in talking to us, but at the same time maintaining that parent child relationship, whether our strategy works or not in the long run I don't know but its working so far.
Anyway back to the point ,I digress lol.
Telling the kids was hard, we had to really encourage them and let them know that God was in full control and he would make everything ok. We all had a cry because daddy was going away for a long time and so much change was happening as we was made homeless 2 weeks before that.
As you know that 6 weeks turnt to 10 months until Kings passing and he was home 3-4weeks during this period in total. we took the kids to see him as often as possible and they had facetime and telephone conversations all the time. these periods wernt without, tears, anger and frustration, but it was always soothed by daddies voice on the other end of the phone, or a quick visit and dinner at the hospital with daddy after school, King maintained his role as father to them including having his private conversations with them individually and disciplining them when necessary, the kids would often take advantage that daddy wasn't there and try their bits a little, but they quickly found out that daddy is still daddy in sickness and health, at home or on the other side of the world he was still authorative.
life in that season became the norm for the kids, until intensive care (Kings last month), when they could no longer visit and that was a decision I made and not lightly and I believe King felt the same way as even talking to them on the phone was not something he felt he could do, as mother I had to decide what I felt was best and I did not take the decision lightly, even as a grown woman with the knowledge and understand of what I was privy to was overwhelming for me, and hard to see, and know with hubby being gone I'm glad that was not the last image or memory my children would have of their dad.
I was sure and careful to update the kids on his progress or decline daily, even if I didn't want to tell them he had a bad day, without fail on the school run they would ask about him, and its important I was honest with them, but I would be sure to back it up with an element of hope and remind them of the God they serve.
I would have them take turns in praying every morning before heading out for school always dependent on who was up front lol and they with out a doubt would thank God for everything and asked daddies angels to look after to him and cover him so he can come home.
the day Kind passed, my heart broke, not so much for myself but for my children, truthly my main concern was how this was going to knock their faith and their belief in God, you know, they have been praying for him to come home and believed he would and I encourage them to believe that daddy was coming home and now he wasn't.
I felt like they was going to hate me, resent me, and turn their hearts from God, but I thank God for speaking through me, and giving me the most comforting things to say to try and make the news more bearable for them.
to see my babies fall apart the way they did, is an image and a pain as their mother that I could never forget and at that point I was so angry with God, for making me do this to them and allowing this to be their story, my heart shattered and I could only but think that they really didn't deserve this.
it was but a matter of hours that my babies rose up and looked me and said " Mummy we cant be sad, daddy is an angel now and his with us all the time, he is not in pain anymore and his free", my eldest said to me "I'm sad I will not see my dad again, but I really have nothing to cry about when my dad is with Jesus now and he is where we are trying to be and his with us all the time".
at that moment I had to repent and worship, that the faith in my babies is steadfast and cannot be moved even by such tragedy, they sometimes have their moments, when the absence feels a bit much but they have their cry and we cuddle and talk about it and then we think of the beautiful memories and what daddy would want us to do now to make him proud, then we pray and move forward but most of the time, 9 times out 10 the kids are in high spirits very positive and full of energy, they are very protective of me and my feelings, and are very conscious and sensitive to me and anything I do.
In away I feel like the fact that they had 10 months without their dad really being home or around outside of the hospital and their visits becoming far and few between, is slightly making the transition a little bit easier than it could have been, were as its been 8 weeks since King passed, the kids last time seeing him was actually the 6/4/18, so nearly 12 weeks ago. I decided to keep photos of kings journey from beginning to end, so that if the kids every decided when they are older that they wish to see then that option is there maybe they may feel it will give them closure but for now in their tender age my choice for them is for them to remember him how they saw him last, awake and some what like the daddy they knew, I pray that they wish to maintain that.
if I can be honest with you all, I'm still undecided whether to give them that option at all, but I will pray on it.
my twins, especially my son Isaiah is very reluctant to leave me on my own, and his twin Nialah doesn't mind as long as its not to far, she had a bit of anxiety and a melt down when it came to leaving me for her year 6 leavers trip and their concern is mainly how I will cope. their school and the teachers and support systems some of the parents and their close friends have been absolutely amazing and has made this transition into our new normal so much easier, I'm forever grateful.
Me and the kids are taking care of each other and we are all in a great space, I continue to parent them exactly how me and king was parenting before his passing I'm just doing both roles now, with the help of God almighty. I think King found peace in knowing we will all be ok before he departed.
I hope one day my babies can read this and as I write this part my eyes well with tears. not because I'm sad but because my babies mummy is so proud of you, I don't say that flippantly, from the depths of my soul I mean it, you were amazing kids before this but you far exceed that now, your all exceptional in your own ways, you make me laugh daily and you take great care of me even though that's not your job, you tell me you love me a 1000 time a day and sometimes it can feel a bit much until I say it back and realise how much I needed to hear it, you cuddle me and kiss me each a million times a day and I now that that's Gods way of making up for the kisses and cuddles I would have got from daddy.
you are all so mature, and selfless its hard to remember your still so little.
you are my life savers and mummy loves you beyond understanding.
I hope I make you all proud, as proud as you make me, even though you often get on my nerves lol, I wouldn't have you any other way.
you all carry a piece of your daddy in you, that reminds me daily his never to far and his legacy stands before me to great me in the morning and kiss me goodnight every evening.
I will take good care of you all until God calls me home, because my job is to nurture you for the kingdom, I don't take that lightly.
It may sound cliché but I thank God for choosing me to be your mummy and now your daddy.
Proverbs 23:24
The father of Godly children has cause for joy, what pleasure to have children who are wise.
Luke 18:16
Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, " Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! for the kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children".
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