Goodness Grieve Pt 2; I lost more than just my husband

Hi Loves 

Wow, I am truly humbled and overwhelmed by the support of my latest blog "Goodness grieve". honestly, I was unsure of how it would be received as I was truly exposing my most intimate thoughts, and parts of my life, however, the reception that was received was so overwhelming and I thank God. 

As mentioned before I mentioned that I would be doing the second half to 'Goodness Grieve", at the time I was unsure of what that would consist of but I just knew that the blog was unfinished.
so here it is.

Between the last blog and now, We laid my husband to rest on the Wednesday 23rd May, to say that he had a beautiful send off does not give enough credit to those who pulled together and really came through in making his day special. King was always playful and when we would hypothetically discuss our funeral wishes and demands he always made it clear that his funeral was not to be a sad and mournful occasion but he wanted it to be a party, a celebration, and bright.  King in all of his 30 years never had a birthday party so I wanted to be sure that he had that in his celebration of life. 

Iv learned that a huge part of life is made up of your relationships, your inner circles, family, friends, colleagues, and peers, these associations are what generally help mold us into who we are and God uses these relationships for reasons and some for seasons. in our mind we want to hold on to every friendship because if your honest especially in regards to those long-term ones, you have invested so much time, emotion, effort, into building and maintaining, however when it comes time to let certain people go, its the hardest feeling in the world, you feel senses of betrayal, hardship, offence and plain and simply just like you have wasted your time, I guess in a way its a form of grieving. 

but I am here to burst your bubble and tell you in this season  (the past 9 - 10 months)  that time means absolutely nothing, just because you have known someone for a number of years or all your life or a minute, holds no weight in this circumstances, it simply just does not matter. harsh but true, and I'm not excluding family. 

Iv learnt and my mother in law said it best " we are going to let each other down, we are human and that's how we are made, we will offend one another but its about trying not to and making the best effort to respect what you like and don't like in order to not re-offend". 
those I felt close me and thought would ride with me in this season for me and family took 10 giant steps back and were nowhere to be seen when my family and I were in the midst of our storm, the period my husband was sick was a very lonely one. 

King and I would talk often about the disappointment we felt that those we thought would step up, where nowhere to be found. but as always King saw the best in an ugly situation, he would always tell me "Lou you do not know what others are going through", he said this despite fighting for his life. I loved and disliked that about him, sometimes I felt he was just too kind to people who I felt did not deserve it, but who am I to say who deserves kindness and who does not, those thoughts are simply the flesh in me and I thank God that he brings me right back to a more Christ-like mindset, where love, compassion, and forgiveness can be extended to all, because God knows I need it myself most times. 

As a couple and a team King and I was sure to make ourselves available when we were needed, and i guess naturally you expect the same from those you consider close to you, in this a lesson came to mind, dont give to receive and do with your whole heart onto other what you would want to be done to you without expectation, then you won't be disappointed, but we are human so of course you will always have an element of expection, not necessarily because of what you have done for others but simply just because of the relationships your hold and just plan old simple compassion, plus we are to always exude the love of Jesus christ.

Well as stated in the title in this season I lost more than just my husband, many many many friendships/relationships have either died or altered, but it's not all bad because in losing, God will always restore and give you exactly what you need. 
Iv seen God take me from having many friendships and relationships, that I can now see had to end or change to bringing me less than a handful of people who bare the weight of a truckload. 

for instance, imagine having  £1000 in penny's that would be a struggle to carry right? and when it comes to making purchases it makes the process burdensome and the weight really is not good for your pocket, purse or handbag, but then imagine having the same £1000 in £50 notes, the load is light, discrete, more helpful and handier, just simply makes your purchase process easier. 

my metaphor may be a bit BLLLAAA, but hopefully you get my gist, I'm saying its better to have minimal relationships that are good for you, support, helpful, like-minded and willing to build with you not against you, than having loads of unhealthy relationships, that will suck you dry and cause you to take your eyes off the path your on, those relationships that do not edify you spiritually and work against making your process smooth. 

losing things or people are not easy and darn right uncomfortable but change is not supposed to be comfortable, positive change takes sacrifices, obedience total surrendering to God but turning your desires from your flesh and your will. 
you just simply can't require and request elevation and change but still hold onto everything from your old life, and your old self that's called hoarding and hoarding will inevitably create a huge mess, stink and leave no room for anything else that God has for you, LET IT GO.

I knew that God was taking me into a new season of my life so when people started changing on me and becoming distant and showing their true characters, I was not all the way shocked. I knew there was a season of elevation and not everyone could come with me. much filtering had to be done. I thank God because he sifted the weeds and left me with beautiful flourishing relationships that are like minded and help me to water the seeds that have been planted not block the sunlight needed to help me flourish and I hope I am the same to them.

not only have I lost friendships but iv also lost parts of myself.  Yeah, when I got this revelation I panicked, but then I reflected on the parts of me that had gone. 
as i said before change is uncomfortable especially when it's you in yourself that's changing and you're unsure of how to stop it or fix it. but it was not for me to fix. it was for me to embrace, God was taking me on a journey to becoming independent, bold, courageous and fearless. The parts of me that I lost where the parts that I would not say held me back at the time they were convenient but for a time such as this would have suppressed and blocked anything that God needed to do in me or through me.

I'd be lying if  I said I have not been grieving for the broken relationships and the things that made me comfortable but I'm grateful for the relationships that I had in the past that could not follow me into my present and future because they were not all bad and many brought, joy, happiness and laughter and great memories and Im convinced God used many as mine and my families destiny helpers in certain seasons for certain reason and in many of them there were lessons. God has chosen to restore some old relationships some that I would never have imagined but I'm totally embracing. 

I'm conscious that these relationships are not all about me and my gain, but also what I can do for others, how will I impact that relationship and the person, I could be the destiny helper.  I'm also totally embracing the change in me and letting go of the old self and walking into my new normal, iv lost my husband but I have not lost the title wife, in being a wife I have learned many essentials that will help me moving forward and I know that the greater purpose of losing King will be revealed in time, I lost many homes but God gave me stability in a beautiful home to call my own, I lost people but God allowed me to keep those who needed to stay and gain ones who he knew would fit perfect going forward, I lost elements of myself but God is moulding me into the woman he said I would be. 

as usual, I could go on and on but I cant, plus editing would be long loool, but il end by saying, embrace your changes, no matter what side of life it's coming from, its uncomfortable at times but you cant want better and hold on to the old life. 
look at your life now and ask yourself if your hoarding, spiritually, in relationships that you know deep down God told you to let go of ages ago,  are you hoarding mentally, emotionally, and even physically? 
make a purposeful decision today to start decluttering all of these elements listed, it will take time and its not going to be easy but it will be worth it, ask God to reveal to you what needs to go, and also ask him to make space for you to receive all the new and beautiful things and journeys and relationships that he is about to bring you to. 

Romans 12:2 

2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Luke 6:43 -45

43" A good tree cant produces bad fruit, and a bad tree can't produce good fruit. 44 A tree is identified by its fruits. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. 45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart, what you say flows from what is in your heart. 

Ask God to help you to identify who is for you and who is not for you, my gran you to say " show me your friend's il tell you who you". 
pray that anything in you that needs decluttering, altering or growth that God will give you discernment and strength to accomplish these things. 
Cheers to positive changes, growth and maturity.